Barkerisms Of The Week - Christmas edition!

Sadly, Maddy missed today's episode (I overslept. I need Tivo badly!), but that didn't keep Bob from giving us plenty of pearls of wisdom in the first four shows of the week.

"Sean has been down here since the start of the show." Denise, standing next to Sean on Contestant's Row, laughs. "What are you laughing at? You've been here as long as he has!" - Bob, teasing a couple of contestants who were among the first four to "come on down", and couldn't get on stage.

"I feel like Scrooge!" - Bob, after Denise does win her way up on stage, plays One Away for a Pontiac, and loses.

"She really doesn't know if she's coming or going!" - Bob, after Gay mixes up while playing Coming Or Going (she lost playing for a trip to Zurich)

Sean, though, would be fodder for more laughs. This took place just before the last game of the day:

Bob: "Is there something you'd like to say?"
Sean: "Uhhh... Hmmm... Ummm...."
Bob: "I thought that was very interesting!"

Wedesday gave us more fun from Contestant's Row:

Haywood (a wreslting coach who was called to come on down, ran down, and was gasping for breath when he made it): "Is there a doctor in the house?
Bob: "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a nurse in the house?!"

Bob, after Dennis bids $2 on an item up for bids on Thursday: "I hope you didn't overbid!"

On the last item up for bids that day:

Dennis: "2 and a half thousand! I mean, $2,500."
Bob: "Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is!"

"That has to go all the way around! Booooo! Booooo! Boooooo! Now give it another spin!" - Bob, after Paul's wimpy second spin on Thursday (after giving it a mighty spin and stopping on 90 cents on his first). I'm glad Bob is keeping his promise to boo contestants for wimpy spins...

This week's Barkerism Of The Week? From Monday's show...

Nina is wearing a shirt that says "My dog is neutered, and I've been spayed!". Bob brings this shirt to America's attention, then says "That's your choice, Nina, that isn't what I told you to do! I tell you to have your pets spayed or neutered!"

Could this lead to a new Bob Barker signoff? "This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered - NOT YOURSELVES!"

Next week CBS is showing reruns (should I take the time to list his quotes from those episodes?). January 2 they will go back to airing new episodes, and new Barkerisms *chuckling to herself over the first 2006 edition*.

And for the newest feature...

ESPN has plays of the week? Well, it's time for me to have something even better...

The Barkerisms of the Week!

That's right! Every week where CBS airs new episodes of The Price Is Right, I will list all the great lines from everyone's favorite Happy Gilmore beater, Bob Barker, as well as pick a favorite.

Also, for any weeks where they air reruns that I didn't catch, I'll also list his Barkerisms from those shows.

I came up with the idea on Thursday, so I only listed lines from the Thursday and Friday episodes. Bob didn't disappoint, by giving us three great lines in those shows - two of them before the first two pricing games on Friday's show! But, as a special added bonus this week, I'm including a couple of great lines from an interview he did with St. Petersburg Times near his 80th birthday.

"I told (CBS) I didn't know there would be so much attention paid to my 80th birthday, or I would have celebrated it a long time ago!" - Bob, when asked how it felt to have two shows celebrating his 80th birthday

"Mostly, they want to know why I haven't done more pictures. I tell them the reason is because I refuse to do nude scenes. I don't want to be just another beautiful body." - Bob, talking about Happy Gilmore and the fact he's asked about it at nearly every taping

From this week's shows:

Thursday: "That's not going to get all the way around! Booooo! Booooo! C'mon audience, boo her! You know, I've been doing this for 34 years, and I've never booed a contestant before. But I'm going to start now. Booooo! I just hate that! Jennifer, give it a good spin this time!" - Bob, after a young woman named Jennifer gave the wheel a wimpy first spin

Friday: "Manohack, you've wanted to meet me for a long time? I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not me. I'm just a cheap imitation!" - Bob, just before Manohack played It's In The Bag (where, sadly, she quit with $4,000, and would've won all $16,000 had she kept going!)

Amusing as always. But the Barkerism Of The Week?

Friday: "While Rich was describing the car, Clara turned to me and said 'Bob, I turned 60 today'. Don't tell me about your problems!" - Bob, just before the first pricing game, deciding to get some laughs over the fact that his 60th birthday was 22 years ago

The birthday is right, bitch!

A big happy birthday to everyone's favorite Happy Gilmore beating, spaying and neutering, "The Price Is Right, bitch!" saying octogenarian game show host, Bob Barker, who turns 82 today.

Okay, so he's the only Happy Gilmore beating, spaying and neutering, "The Price Is Right, bitch!" saying octogenarian game show host around, but I still want to wish him a happy birthday.

Of course, Bob seems to have this knack for giving out the presents on his birthday - such as hosting a Million Dollar Spectacular that aired the day after his 80th birthday. And this one is no exception, as we're expecting official confirmation to what he told the audience at a taping last month: That Bob has signed on for another season, which would make 35 seasons of The Price Is Right, and FIFTY straight years hosting television game shows.

It also means I'll find even more oppotunities to drag myself to LA. Too bad I can't send Bob on a trip to the fountain of youth so we get 50 more years...

I did, however, think about how to send birthday greetings to someone with such a sarcastic and warped sense of humor as Bob, and came up with a thought: By following up my birthday wishes with his entry at Uncyclopedia.

Uncyclopedia, for those of you not familiar with it, is a spoof of Wikipedia, where readers are encouraged to type up crazy, totally inaccurate articles (or even amend and alter existing ones). Some of them are hilarious (examples include claiming Christina Aguilera is part of the Christina Aguilera Whorebot series from the future, sent back to destroy the world, or claiming Marty McFly was a real person who went back in time to marry his mother). Some of them are a bit cruel (like claiming Esther Madge died from "complications of gingivitis" in August - even though she is supposed to be the President of the United States in 4277). Overall, though, I get a kick out of the site, which is heavy on satire and even plain silliness.

Oh, and yes: I did get the Bob Barker "YOU'RE WINNER!" picture from Uncyclopedia as well.. And someday I'll even have to tell the story behind that.

Bob Barker (born Robert William Barker in December 12, 1923) is a superhuman actor, best known for punching Brian Peppers in the face in Happy Gilmore. His imfamous line, "No, I want the whole thing" after which he proceeded to eat all of Adam Sandler. Apparently, a "piece" of him was not enough.

He also had some minor role as host of the game show The Price is Right, a job which he has had since the dawn of prices themselves. At the end of the show, he often says "Help control the pet population, have your pet's balls cut off." Rumors have arisen that Bob Barker himself owns a vast, secret monopoly that manufactures and distributes pet neutering products.

Born in God's arms, he grew up as one of the best people ever. In 1939, he was granted an infinite supply of money.

In 1956, he took over the world. However, he was unable to make the world as cool as he is, due to the mass stupidity of the people.

In 1972, Barker began his most famous assignment hosting the CBS revival of Jesus. In the three decades of the CBS version, he has become as synonymous with the ritual as first reviver Bill Cullen was with the 1950s-60s original.

In 1993, he was accused of sexually harassing one of the show's models, Dian Parkinson. Ultimately, it was shown that Parkinson is just a little whore who wished she was and was jealous of Barker's awesomeness.

Barker has set a longevity record as holding a five-day-a-week TV job continually for 49 years (2005). He is the coolest game show host of all time and coolest host of a five-day-a-week program of all time.

In 2002, The Price is Right celebrated 30 consecutive years of awesomeness. It is the longest running game show of all time in Amerika, and is also the longest running five-day-a-week daytime entertainment program (and only The Tonight Show's 50 years on the air has surpassed it in terms of overall five-day-a-week American entertainment television programming, but nobody cares about The Tonight Show).

In 2002, at the Daytime Emmy Awards Barker received a lifetime achievement award. He deserved it.

In 2003, Bob Barker celebrated his 80th birthday with a prime-time special on CBS. It featured guest appearances by fan Jesus along with friends talk-show host Larry King and actor (and Barker's karate instructor) Chuck Norris. The show also featured taped vignettes from CBS stars like Ray Romano, the cast of Becker, and the cast of Joan of Arcadia.

In 2004, Bob Barker was inducted into the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Hall of Fame.

In 2005, Bob Barker was named the one true uber-pimp over Odin, Zeus, and Gendo Ikari.

Bob Barker, while scoring bitches and blow in Compton, was pulled over by an LA County Sheriff. As he proceeded to completely pummel the unsuspecting lawman, he was heard to yell, "Fuck tha police!" and that he was "Straight outta Compton!" Overheard by a young Oshea Jackson, later known to the world as Ice Cube, gangsta rap was born.

Barker has recently had success with a prime time version of The Price is Right. This stemmed from the incredibly high ratings for the 30th anniversary show in January 2002. Since then, the prime time specials have returned with a vengeance, sometimes with themes such as honoring different things, none of which are as cool as Bob Barker. During the prime time shows, the prizes are more extravagant than in the daytime version, and the cash amounts are higher. Usually $1 million can be won by running around in a circle, shouting "I'm not worthy!"

Happy Birthday, Bob, and here's hoping you enjoy plenty more! Not to mention thanks for 34 (about to become 35) years of PRICEless moments...